“To the One I Never Stopped Loving”

“To the One I Never Stopped Loving”

Until I met you, I thought I knew what love was, but what I feel for you now is beyond imagination. I love every particle of you—every dark or bright place, every gesture, every word, everything you are and everything you do. You are in everything, and I love it all. Your voice, your smile, the light in your eyes melt me completely. I literally feel as though I am moving to a new state of consciousness… When I am with you, I feel as if God is holding me in His arms while I hold you, my sunshine.

Your shoulders carry a weight that would break others, crush them, leave them marked, and perhaps even force them back to the beginning without a chance to move forward. Yet you always move forward—fighting for your own path, not caring about the destination, because for you, the journey itself is the goal.

Be at peace with yourself and your past. Be yourself and be okay with looking back—not to remain there, but to see it and acknowledge it. Look at what you’ve done, the mistakes you’ve made, the hurt you’ve caused, and the pain you inflicted—even unknowingly—while trying to protect that fragile part of yourself.

No one wants to see you happy more than I do. Believe me—as I believe in myself—I could never betray you. I could never do that to my sun and moon, my endless dream.

I’ve never stopped searching, learning, and trying to understand. I can’t leave without answers—without hearing you, without looking into your ocean eyes and seeking calmness, kindness, pride, and humanity. I must learn how to empathize with those you’ve hurt because once there was a small, beautiful, unique girl who was destroyed.

While others received genuine love, care, nurturing hugs, and protection from loving parents, she was left to face the world alone. Souls like yours, like mine, like fragile little bunnies—carrying sadness, emptiness, and abandonment—were cast out unprotected into a world full of anger and blame, where no one cares if she’s struggling, scared, or lost.

No one cared if she cried alone in an empty house, waking up feeling like nothing, addicted to caffeine just to stay awake, covering herself with a blanket because her heart was colder than her hands and feet—crying silently because she knew no one cared.

No one clapped for her, no one told her she was beautiful, kind, or proud of herself for surviving a life full of darkness. No one saw the weight on her shoulders—the pain that shattered her soul, making her believe she was the problem, that she deserved it.

But it’s not her fault.

I was prepared for this road to be ugly, painful, and filled with consequences. But I promised myself, God, and you that I would never leave when things got dark, when the chaos inside you surfaced. I would never abandon you when your fears became overwhelming, when you couldn’t show your true self for fear of rejection.

Even when your actions hurt me, even when my ego screamed, I accepted it—because love isn’t about pride, and relationships aren’t about perfection. They are about staying when it’s hard and standing together in the darkness.

I know I’m enough. I’m more than enough.

It’s not about self-worth or self-love—I don’t leave when things get ugly, and I don’t walk away when I lose piece after piece. When darkness surrounds me, when I’m alone with my chaotic thoughts—I stay. Because that’s who I am.

I am here to remind you:

You are enough. You are worthy—worthy of love, worthy of care, worthy of having someone to hold you when you cry, someone who listens and stays.

This isn’t a game where you restart when things break; some things, once lost, can’t be fixed. But I stayed—even when life gave me nothing but pain—because I believed in us.

I’m a boat without a destination, floating, lost. But even in my lostness, I never stopped caring. I gave my all—overloving, overcaring, unconditionally. And yes, maybe I lost myself in the process.

But I never left.

I read books—yes, books. I’ve never even read ten websites in a row in my life, but I do it because of you, because of us. I choose you—I choose you to be the one, to be the mother of our kids, to marry me. I choose you today, tomorrow, every day; I choose everything, even if it means scouring the entire internet to understand the problems in our relationship. I am the one who takes accountability for the damage caused by others; I get hurt by things I didn’t even do.

I never betrayed my queen. I never let you sit alone. I never played games to make you overthink on your own.

I would come, even if I had to walk by myself. I would send that one more message to give you the courage to be yourself, to love yourself, to be kind and loving to yourself. I will be with you my whole life. You will never forget me. I am deeply rooted in your heart and soul. My words, my love letters to you, show what love truly looks like. You may never fully understand how deep my love was for you.

You will never truly understand how I feel. I am the man for us—something about our pain is different. I have never had someone who truly asked for me, cared for me, valued me, or loved me enough to wait for me—to be there for me even when I hurt them, or to reflect on my actions—nothing compares.

I must write, and write, and write—transforming myself into a poet—because the love you didn’t return hurts me so much. I die a little in the process of being the one you chose to have by your side. This was love from the bottom of my heart—a love that no one else will ever give you, a love I never felt when I was born into this harsh world, a love where darkness was burned away by my inner light.

I never looked for someone else when I already had one who could understand the man beside her. She must be the one who comprehends what triggers her, who knows she’s been hurt in the past; the one who doesn’t fight when I say something bothers me, who respects me, knows my value, and understands how her childhood affects her, as well as the true values of a man—loyalty, morals, and an unbreakable code.

A man who is true to himself—a loyal man with values, who cannot break his own code—understands that pain is part of growing. He was a boy who caused pain, and nobody understood him. Nobody cared. No one came to ask him how he felt. He learned to battle his emotions alone. Where others had fathers, he had only four walls and darkness; where others had mothers to lean on, he had to be strong for his mother. He couldn’t show his emotions because she didn’t know how to handle them, and his father was absent—a smiling face who never knew how to be genuine.

I grew up in chaos; nobody understood me, and nobody knew how to love me. But I knew how to love everyone else. I felt lost, alone—lost in my own thoughts, in my head, in my heart, in my soul. I longed for someone to find me, to hold me tightly, someone who wouldn’t want to lose me, someone who would embrace my deeply loving heart—a person brave enough to go through hell and back with me.

I give love and words of encouragement to others—even when, for example, they hurt me, knowing they’ve never received love like this. They don’t know how to handle it. They feel ashamed, so they push me away, gaslight me, and give me the silent treatment because they can’t take accountability for their actions. They don’t express vulnerability, and they refuse to admit that they hurt me.

“Love and pain go hand in hand from the beginning. You must find the strength within yourself to say, ‘I love you. I know my past actions hurt you, but I never wanted to hurt your feelings. I grew up in chaos, with emotionally unstable parents. Nobody hugged me or listened to me. Nobody cared when I was a child. I get scared when you raise your voice; I am fragile. I have issues with my self-esteem. I put a mask on to avoid losing you. You didn’t like the true parts of me. I feel attacked when you say certain things, but now I know that we can solve our problems together. It’s not a battle between us. Please don’t leave. I never wanted to hurt you.’”

I am different. My heart is different. It may look like others, it beats the same, but it possesses a different power. I was chosen—to heal, to protect those I love, and to share the knowledge I’ve gained. I help heal others by revealing the beauty in what they deem ugly—because the truth is, it is beautiful.

I have done so much inner work that your wounds cannot hide from me, no matter how hard you try. Nobody can play games with me. I understand that pain is part of love—the price of being loved. If you are afraid to feel pain, you’ll never truly allow yourself to be loved. I stand here, shattered with pain, crying alone on the floor, lost in my thoughts when no one offers answers. Even when I did nothing wrong, I created problems where there were none. I lost my mind in the process, yet I still found the kindness to write you—sending you genuine, empathetic words. No hate, no blame. No words can hurt you, even though you betrayed me.

I lost every ounce of hope in true love. I lost the last piece of faith in someone. I will never truly believe in anyone again. They told me the truth about their feelings, but it’s heartbreaking to think that half my life is behind me, and I’ve never been able to feel truly loved and cared for by anyone. Nobody will ever understand the pain I carry inside. I never cheated. I never did anything behind your back. The truth is a part of me, even when it hurts.

I have no one now. I am left with my own sadness. Nobody calls, nobody checks on me; I never ask for help, and nobody comes. Even though I seem strong, my heart is sensitive, with deep scars everywhere. But if they reduce me to something less—a lesser man—there is another part of me deep inside that burns with pain and anger to protect my name and my loved ones. It’s a part I have learned to control behind the walls I’ve built. No father, no mother, no hugs—just me and these walls. Anger fills me: Why did they promise to come and then not? Why doesn’t he come? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I am the problem. Perhaps if I spoke up, my father wouldn’t come, and my mother would be hurt again.

Even when they hurt me, even when they lose me, they will never forget my love. Part of me lives on inside them.

I sit, cry, and think alone in the darkness of an empty room, but I’m not afraid. Pain and suffering are all I know. I am pain. Pain is me. If you want to hurt me, come closer—I will rise and shine again.

It’s impossible to make me a loser or a boy who can’t give you peace or let you go. I will show you a love you’ve never known m perhaps nobody show you real depth of love , if i choose pain , ego , hurt and go like everyone to " i gonna take care of my pride " i didnt let you wait , in hope someone will ever do that to you , like me. I wanna show you , show you ...—a love that makes you feel enough because you are enough. From the beginning, I knew you were hurt inside. Day by day, I tried to tell you, even when you blamed me. But I had to. Sometimes, love hurts because it makes you think; it forces you to reflect on what your partner truly wants to say. One attempt isn’t enough—sometimes five attempts still aren’t enough. But by the tenth time, you understand. When someone tells you something repeatedly, perhaps it’s because they genuinely care. Maybe it’s not my fault that I’m hypersensitive. Maybe my childhood affects me. Perhaps until today, I was hiding parts of myself to be loved, to be accepted, to be heard, to be seen, and to be valued for who I am. There is nothing wrong with me. I can be truly loved by someone. Someone will care about me. I can’t keep playing the victim, feeling shame, or putting my ego before love because it hurts. We all make mistakes—it’s part of being human. It’s okay to hurt someone, but it’s not okay to ignore your actions and blame others. We must sit, reflect, and apologize with kindness, empathy, and respect for others’ feelings.

It’s part of being human to hurt without meaning to, but it’s also normal to heal— to take accountability to your actions , be vurneable be gentle and kind.


2*.2.202*

I saw you for the first time, and I have never felt that way in my life, my darling. I can’t hate you—I simply never knew how… even though I am traumatized by what you’ve done to me, I literally can’t.

I am not the same guy I used to be; I am different now. One of my toxic traits is that I’m not good at leaving. My heart always pulls me back. I try—it tells me to stay, to try, to fight for love. I used to think that love was something you must earn, but that’s not the truth. Love is given freely. If you have to earn love, then it isn’t love at all. I stay too long; I try too long; I give all of my heart, yet I still find myself searching for ways to piece things together when I love someone.

There was a time when the hurt was so heavy—so heavy that I carried it all alone. When I send love, it feels scary. I’m even scared of myself. Yet, somewhere inside, I find hope, faith, and the strength to fight for two people at once—I simply can’t let you go. I put my whole heart into this. I am a man of my word, and I do everything I promise. I share parts of myself that nobody else knows because deep inside, I crave love and a profound connection. I am different from others; if people are willing to look beyond the surface, they will find my true value.

I was held back by pain—as if love itself was pain. When I was young, I pretended to be normal, even if it meant playing the villain, the black sheep, just to belong. Pain made me strong; I believed that more pain would make me stronger—but that’s not how it works. All my life, I was blamed for things I didn’t do. They said I was angry, that I was this and that. I don’t care—I know who I am. Nobody will manipulate me with stupid things, not even my parents. I am not like them; I don’t want my children to experience the care I never had. I’m not saying they didn’t try or give their best, but I know how deeply those things affected me. What they see as normal, I see as crazy and incomprehensible. I can’t talk about these things with people who lack emotional intelligence—people who aren’t mature enough to acknowledge their wrongs and take responsibility instead of blaming and hurting others. I don’t want my son to become his own therapist, spending hours googling why he feels a certain way because no one gives him answers. He’s left alone, as always, without someone to play with him, without anyone spending time with him. He never ate at the same table with both his mother and father, never had a proper family Christmas, never saw his father in the kitchen, never witnessed a father hug his mother. I never saw what a strong family should be like—I only saw my lost mother trying to be both mom and dad. She felt anxious every time she saw him again, always putting everything before us.

I carry anger in my heart. My mother used to walk on eggshells when I said he was coming. I am different—some may call me a villain, a bad guy, a lost soul. Yes, I am, but I never asked for pain; it was given to me on a lonely road, and I feel responsible to fix it—to heal my wounds, your wounds, and those of a generation burdened by pain I never wanted. It’s a sacrifice, but it’s part of being a man.

I love both of my parents, even if they raised me the way they did. I’m pretty messed up inside; life has damaged me even more. Love destroyed me—I am pure in my devotion. I have never betrayed anyone I love, never. I am gentle with a pure heart, yet beneath the surface, my heart is damaged and full of hurt. I can’t even remember a time when I felt truly happy—happy without my mind burning like a ticking bomb. It’s sad that nobody understands me; not even my parents did, and the saddest part is that nobody even tried to understand. I understand everyone; I know how to love, but no one seems to know what to do with me.

I was obsessed with words—my own words. I write these words when you were scared of losing me, even yourself in process when you feared I’d walk away like someone before me, or that someday you’d be alone again. I’m scared even of myself, who I am. I remember your tone, your voice, that one message from you—just one message that changed everything. I was so deeply in love with you that I had to face my fear of rejection, of not being good enough for you. You found someone better than me—a man who could offer you more stability, a man with a solid foundation that I didn’t have. Everyone outgrew me, and I feel lost. It feels like there is too much pressure on me. I know I must be a good husband, a good parent, and hopefully a good dad someday. I know I have more to offer. I am not stupid—I am intelligent in ways I sometimes cannot fully express. I was thrown into this world without proper guidance or preparation. I am just lost. From the beginning, I saw the differences between us. You couldn’t express your feelings or show me empathy. You built walls around your heart, and I was the selfish one who cared only about himself. But the truth was, the only thing I ever cared about was you. I took on the grief and pain to show you love, to heal you, even when others hurled abusive words at you and treated me as if I were an immature boy with no future. I have loved you so deeply that when you ran away, or when you reverted to your old self during tough times, it broke me.

I asked so many times, and you stayed. You chose to stay. It was a sunny day—you baked a cake for us, for me, and prepared a full box of fruit: bananas, apples, kiwi, and your favorite orange juice. You had everything, even a blanket and our dog with you. That day, I rose like a diamond—I didn’t need anything except us, our dog, one blanket, and one apple for you, just to see your smile. I tell you straight: I want to date you. I want you to laugh with cherry circles on your face and know that you will be mine. We will endure through bad times, and you will be my girl. I don’t waste time wondering who will marry you because I know that you will be mine forever.

In the beginning, holding you was never just about possession. I know deeply that I lost you, and in the process, we lost parts of ourselves. You were unable to open up, to break down the walls around your heart, to let love heal you and care for you as you never received from others. Be the queen, the princess—you are worthy of everything. Be my passionate lover at night, and I will be the man of your dreams.

I was a happy man with the woman of his dreams by his side. You pushed me forward, not held me back; you were the fuel that ignited the fire to make me better—for you, for myself, for us. And then everything changed in an instant. I remember those beautiful hours lying on a blanket with your head on my chest, and you looked straight into my eyes and said,
"I love you, my bear. Take care of yourself on your way home."
Now, even five years later, I still don’t know what you did to me.

You push me away without giving any answers—leaving me without goodbyes.
I Dont know how you can really go to sleep , when you must know you deeply hurt someone as you do too me , i was shattred broken to the pieces so hurt by your actions , we promise we never hurt each other. When times come , i hope never .. but and one of us decide to go and leave. We do it like human , with love , compation , you do nothing wrong , like i doesnt EVEN EXIST , what ta fuck .. do it with empathy and love , be there one for each other. You decide to predent nothing happend , cant believe you do that to me , how YOU can even sleep when you know , you know you hurt someone who loves you , they can even eat , crying till got dropped and fell a sleep.
THEY loosing their mind like , making bad persons from themselfs like its our fault , like i do that to me. I was blaming myself for something i didint do , i try finding answers in your silent .. its scary place to be , i tell you straight up IF I EVER HURT YOU .. I WONT BE ABLE TO PROCESS THAT. I NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGIVE MY SELF IF I HURT YOU. I WILL DIE , IN PROCESS ... TO HURT so deeply SOMEONE WHO I LOVE .. AND YOU ? YOU DONT CARE , HOW IT IS EVEN POSSIBLE , MAYBE YOUR LOVE ON BEGGING , WAS NEVER LOVE. YOU LOVE LIKE I LOVED YOU. YOU NEVER SAY TO ME GOODBYE , I LL BE MISSING YOU , I WISH YOU EVERYTHING BEST IN YOUR LIFE , NEVER CALL TO ME , NEVER SEND MESSAGE , YOU LITTERALY HATE ME I THINK. WHEN YOU SAW ME , YOU SAY YOU DIDNT KNOW WHO I AM ... STAY AWAY FROM ME , DO YOU HEAR ME !? I CALL THE POLICE , I WAS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET WITH ONE MY VOICE CRUMBLED , MY EYES WAS LIKE SKY WHEN I LAY WITH YOU LAST TIME AND LOOK UP TO SKYE .. HOLD THAT PIECE OF ROSE , LIKE EVERYTIME I COME WHEN WE MET EACH OTHER.

PART OF ME

DIE

I HAVE LITTLE BIT OF HOPE , you did some inner work , you listen what i told you before. Hope , and faith we belong to each other . Show me effort if you really loved me once for real. Dont feel shamed by yourself you hurt me , you DECIDE TO HATE ME , THEN TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY to yor actions , accountability you HURT ME SO MUTCH . THATS WHAT HURTS YOU. IF YOU TAKE responsibility for yourself it will destroyed you , how u can destroyed SOMEONE who got so mutch give to you , who was there when nobody wants to be there.
I DIDNT BLAME YOU FOR PAST HURT , I WILL BE BLAMING YOU FOR EVEN ONE THING , IF YOU STAY SCARY LOOK AT ME AND DO NOTHING You let your PRIDE TAKE AWAY SOMEONE FROM YOUR LIFE. IT WILL BE HUNTING YOU FOR REST OF YOUR LIFE , BELIEVE ME. NEVER LET PRIDE AND EGO WINS , TAKE SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

I believed in you. You made a villain out of me in front of others. I waited for you for seven months alone, reading everything what i possibly can , on internet in hope finding answers , read the book evan losing my mind with pain and hurt, confined to suffering—alone, with nothing but pain. And then, you were gone. I don’t know where, with whom—literally nothing. You ghosted me, gave me the silent treatment, and I was left with nothing. I sought answers in drugs, but I don’t feel anger or hate toward you. I want to hug you. My sacrifice is my answer for the rest of your life, for all your nighttime whispers and for your worth as a woman.

I come as a boy and leave as a man.

– R